Fire in the Smithsonian

About six years ago, I was living in northern Virginia, in the DC suburbs. My wife's family decided to come down and visit. As such, we decided to do the touristy thing and spend a day visiting the various museums and other touristy attractions.

DC has some of the most strict anti-gun laws in the country. As such, I was unwilling to carry a gun down there, and even less willing to carry one into the museums and national landmarks. That's a great way to wind up doing a whole lot of time. So instead, I carried some non-lethal defense with me. I packed a can of pepper spray in the right front pocket of my jeans with about five pounds of keys, nicotine, lighter and other junk. After a couple of hours, I totally forgot it was there.

So halfway through the day, my wife, the mother in law, father in law, several other inlaws and myself have been touring the Natural History Museum for a good two and a half hours. I was pretty damned tired of being on my feet and even more tired of walking. I spotted an unoccupied bench and proceeded to cop a seat. I sat there for a good fifteen or twenty minutes while my wife and her mom went through one of the exhibits. At some point, I shifted my position around for more comfort on the hard bench. Apparently, the keys in my pocket partially depressed the spray nozzle on the can of pepper spray.

So I'm sitting on the bench as my wife and her mom leave the exhibit and are walking in my direction. Then... I got the oddest sensation... in a very sensitive location. (The pepper spray was in my right front pocket, and apparently, the nozzle was pointed left. Work out the geometry.) The sensation started as a mild, and interesting tingling. It rapidly progressed from an interesting tingling to an outright burn. It then proceeded right past burn and on past inferno straight to nuclear fusion. Yes, it felt like my nuts were on fire.

Now, I don't know if you've ever had your nuts set alight. I also don't know if you've ever had them thoroughly soaked in pepper spray. YOU CANNOT HELP BUT REACT IN AN ENTHUSIASTIC MANNER IN THIS SITUATION. Right as my mother in law and wife exit the exhibit, I begin jumping up and down, screaming, and holding my crotch. I think I actually ran in a little circle a few times. Yes, "stop drop and roll" went through my head, but I couldn't see any smoke or flame so I decided in my pain-haze that it wasn't applicable.

Then, I realized what had happened, and sprinted right past my astonished wife and mother in law while emitting a sqeeeling scream. I probably sounded a lot like a fire engine, complete with doppler effect. AAWEEEEEEeeeee e e e e. I ran past them to a bathroom where I dropped my pants, and threw my smouldering uh... "equipment" into a sink and began rinsing vigorously. Thankfully, no security came by, but I do remember getting a very strange look from a couple of asian tourists.

Yeah, all of that was bad enough. But then I had to apologetically explain to my very confused (and probably quite concerned) wife and mother in law what had happened. Thier apprehensive and somewhat frightened expressions rapidly changed to unstoppable guffaws of hilarity while I just stood there and blushed.

So uh, if you're reading this and you're involved with the production of pepper spray... let's work on those safety mechanisms, mkay?