Fire in the Smithsonian

About six years ago, I was living in northern Virginia, in the DC suburbs. My wife's family decided to come down and visit. As such, we decided to do the touristy thing and spend a day visiting the various museums and other touristy attractions.

DC has some of the most strict anti-gun laws in the country. As such, I was unwilling to carry a gun down there, and even less willing to carry one into the museums and national landmarks. That's a great way to wind up doing a whole lot of time. So instead, I carried some non-lethal defense with me. I packed a can of pepper spray in the right front pocket of my jeans with about five pounds of keys, nicotine, lighter and other junk. After a couple of hours, I totally forgot it was there.

So halfway through the day, my wife, the mother in law, father in law, several other inlaws and myself have been touring the Natural History Museum for a good two and a half hours. I was pretty damned tired of being on my feet and even more tired of walking. I spotted an unoccupied bench and proceeded to cop a seat. I sat there for a good fifteen or twenty minutes while my wife and her mom went through one of the exhibits. At some point, I shifted my position around for more comfort on the hard bench. Apparently, the keys in my pocket partially depressed the spray nozzle on the can of pepper spray.

So I'm sitting on the bench as my wife and her mom leave the exhibit and are walking in my direction. Then... I got the oddest sensation... in a very sensitive location. (The pepper spray was in my right front pocket, and apparently, the nozzle was pointed left. Work out the geometry.) The sensation started as a mild, and interesting tingling. It rapidly progressed from an interesting tingling to an outright burn. It then proceeded right past burn and on past inferno straight to nuclear fusion. Yes, it felt like my nuts were on fire.

Now, I don't know if you've ever had your nuts set alight. I also don't know if you've ever had them thoroughly soaked in pepper spray. YOU CANNOT HELP BUT REACT IN AN ENTHUSIASTIC MANNER IN THIS SITUATION. Right as my mother in law and wife exit the exhibit, I begin jumping up and down, screaming, and holding my crotch. I think I actually ran in a little circle a few times. Yes, "stop drop and roll" went through my head, but I couldn't see any smoke or flame so I decided in my pain-haze that it wasn't applicable.

Then, I realized what had happened, and sprinted right past my astonished wife and mother in law while emitting a sqeeeling scream. I probably sounded a lot like a fire engine, complete with doppler effect. AAWEEEEEEeeeee e e e e. I ran past them to a bathroom where I dropped my pants, and threw my smouldering uh... "equipment" into a sink and began rinsing vigorously. Thankfully, no security came by, but I do remember getting a very strange look from a couple of asian tourists.

Yeah, all of that was bad enough. But then I had to apologetically explain to my very confused (and probably quite concerned) wife and mother in law what had happened. Thier apprehensive and somewhat frightened expressions rapidly changed to unstoppable guffaws of hilarity while I just stood there and blushed.

So uh, if you're reading this and you're involved with the production of pepper spray... let's work on those safety mechanisms, mkay?

Out Smart-Assed by Springfield.

Damnit.

I pride myself on my abilities as a smart-ass. I can be the world's biggest smart-ass. I am the KING of being a smart-assed shithead. Really. I' m very good at it.

So, as some of you may have read, I had a little issue with Springfield Armory. Read the "Springfield 1911s are Trash?" entry for the details.

I think I'll elaborate on things a little bit. I bought a new, expensive Springfield 1911 Service Loaded pistol. On my first trip to the range, the damned thing hit like a foot low at 50yds. I was not pleased. I called springfield and they said "yeah, we'll fix it. Send it to us." The problem was, they wanted me to ship it to them on my dime. Nuh uh. No way. Time to drag out my elite smart-ass skills. Here's the email I sent to them:

"You have a very vocal, and very unhappy customer. I just bought a brand new Service Custom Loaded 1911A1. It shoots very nice groups. Every shot in the group is 4 inches low at 10yds. At 50 yards, I'm holding so much kentucky elevation that my sight picture looks like I'm trying to
shoot down a satellite.

I paid roughly $650 for this thing, and what I have is a very expensive fishing sinker. After contacting springfield customer service using the number on your website, I hear that "yeah, springfield will fix it for free, but it'll take two to three weeks."

This is unacceptable. You've sold me $650.00 worth of crap, and it's clearly not a high priority for you guys. Is selling inaccurate crap your standard operating procedure? How the hell do you guys sell anything at all?

I'll be posting this experience (as it unfolds) on every internet firearms forum I can find, and making a point of taking my $650 fishing sinker to the range with me so I can tell everyone on the line that it's a hunk of crap. I'll put a blaze orange sign on the blue case that says
"HUNK OF CRAP" in bold black letters just above the springfield logo and put it up on the shooting bench display style until this is resolved to my satisfaction.

For $650.00 I expect fedex to show up begging me to take your crap back, you guys to make it right, and return the thing to me in a couple of days time. If I'd paid $100 more, I'd expect SPRINGFIELD to show up with a mobile machine shop in my driveway, ready to fix my problems."

Here's the response I got.

"Thank you for your support of Springfield Armory. Your Springfield has an excellent warranty and an even better customer service and repair department to back it up. Our normal lead time is 2-4 weeks concerning an accuracy issue. We will however try to expedite your pistol as quickly as possible. Please call anyone in our customer service department to be issued a return authorization number, or send me your name, address and phone number and I will send one to you via e-mail. Please place this number on the outside of your package and we will have either FedEx or UPS issue a call tag for your pistols return. This will insure you are not billed at all for shipping. I am sure if you are as satisfied with our customer service as you have been dissatisfied with your current problem the signs will be much larger and more positive on your pistol box."

Pay attention to the last sentance there. It's the important one. I sent a response to that, that said to the effect, "as for the tone of my sign, we'll see how this experience plays out."

Well, one day short of two weeks later, the pistol arrived (shipped to the wrong address) fixed. Not too bad. A couple of days later, I took it to the range and test drove it. All's well. All in all, I don't guess two weeks isn't so bad, but for the money I paid, I expect the thing to hit bullseyes right out of the box.

Three days later, the coup de grace arrives at my office. The receptionist informs me that I have a box at the front desk from "Springfield Armory." She then lugs this heavy box back to my desk.

Those smart-assed bastards sent me 80 full color high-gloss (I'm sure it was $200 worth of printing costs) brochures. Presumably to go with my sign. Damnit.

Anyone want a springfield catalog? They're really nice and shiny.

Doing my small part.

Cell phones on the highway. Annoying. Deadly.

See, West Virginia requires driving skill. Everything is either a curve or a hill, or a curve on a hill. Then, we have some really spiffy civil engineers who do shit like put five on/offramps in a curve, on a bridge, right downtown. YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO NAVIGATE WEST VIRGINIA ROADS SAFELY. Period. Cell phones are a major major threat.

Well, I've started a new practice just to fuck with people using cellphones on the road. I've been riding my wife's bike to work lately. Her bike is much much louder than mine. It just absolutely screams, especially at high RPMs. So, riding to work the other day, I come up behind some guy on I-64 driving an SUV weaving all over the road yapping on his cell phone. He had his window down. So I pulled up beside him and lined my exhaust pipe up with his window. He rolled his window up. I downshifted. He sped up. I sped up. He slowed down. I slowed down. He finally exited the freeway looking completely retarded with his left arm cocked all up around his phone and his left ear trying to block the noise from my wife's bike. I hoped he'd plow into the barrier at the exit, but he managed to miss it somehow.

Screw him.
I bet he'd drive better with that cell phone up his ass anyway.

Armchair quarterbacking.

Well, I'm hearing more and more people calling for the heads of various agencies because of gross mismangement of the NOLA disaster. The heads of FEMA and DHS for example. And of course, Bush himself goes without saying.

I think that's a misguided thought. I don't believe that FEMA or DHS will *ever* be capable of reacting appropriately to large-scale disasters or catastrophic events. THEY ARE GOVERNMENT. THEY ARE BEAUROCRATS. THEY ARE SLOW AND INEFFECTIVE. PERIOD.

So, don't call for the replacement of director this and head of that. Call for the dismantlement and abolition of FEMA and DHS. Use the US military in thier role when needed. The military is not a beaurocracy. (well, ok, parts of it are, but the parts that get stuff done are NOT)

Write your congressman today. Call for the abolition of FEMA and DHS. They do nothing for us, and cost us quite a lot.

Monday Morning Quarterbacking, sorta.

So as soon as I saw the levys had broken and NOLA was being flooded, I knew exactly what needed done. Why it wasn't done is beyond me.

There was *ONE* appropriate response from the President.

It goes like this.

Call the pentagon, get a Marine Corps Lt. General.

"General, this large circle on the map is your responsibility. I want security, and I want humanitarian aid, I want rescue efforts. All federal resources are at your disposal for these missions."

Within 24 hours, a Marine Expeditionary Brigade would have been pouring into NOLA via mike boats, LCACS and CH53 helicopters. Looting would have been minimal (because I'm pretty sure marines would've shot looters on sight, and those would be thier orders), and proper management, and quick reactions would have been the norm, instead of the rare exception. No one, anywhere, reacts faster and with more effect than the United States Marines.