Kim,
Twenty years ago today,
Would I have imagined that I'd never hold you again?
Never gaze into your almond eyes?
Never run to you as my only refuge in my maelstrom?
Never chase you through the freshly mown grass?
Could I possibly have known that I'd think of you daily?
That I'd still feel the emptiness?
That I'd pray for the infrequent visits you pay me in my dreams?
That I'd still feel the burning scar left on my soul as your mother wailed in my arms?
Would I have ever imagined the damage loss can do?
That a major portion of my life would be shaped and twisted by pain?
That I'd spend years in a chemical haze running from it?
That I'd be so angry at the numbness which caused the precious memories fade?
Would I have ever invisioned the rage I'd feel at the world?
The rage at how unfair life and death can be?
The rage at forces that would take you from us all?
The rage at god for not allowing me to take your place?
Would I ever have conceived the ache that persists?
That I'd still drive lonely stretches of road conversing with your memory?
That I'd still see glimpses of your face in the crowd?
That I'd still be crushed when that glimpse crystalizes, and is not you?
Would I ever have believed that I've gone on this long?
That I could survive even one more day?
That I could defeat the temptation to pass through the barriers and join you?
That I could find comfort without numbness?
Would I ever have guessed that I'd still feel guilty?
Guilty for not being there when you left?
Guilty that it was you and not me, when you were so deserving of life, and I was not?
Guilty for not following you to the next world?
Would I ever have understood that I could feel love again?
And that it is real?
And that she would pull me from the storm?
And that she would return life to me?
Would I ever have accepted that I could be happy?
That I'd ever have a beautiful family?
That I'd wish I could introduce you to them as my dearest friend?
That my happiness would be tainted with guilt?
Twenty three years ago,
I swore I'd never let you go.
I have kept my promise.
Would I have imagined that I'd never hold you again?
Never gaze into your almond eyes?
Never run to you as my only refuge in my maelstrom?
Never chase you through the freshly mown grass?
Could I possibly have known that I'd think of you daily?
That I'd still feel the emptiness?
That I'd pray for the infrequent visits you pay me in my dreams?
That I'd still feel the burning scar left on my soul as your mother wailed in my arms?
Would I have ever imagined the damage loss can do?
That a major portion of my life would be shaped and twisted by pain?
That I'd spend years in a chemical haze running from it?
That I'd be so angry at the numbness which caused the precious memories fade?
Would I have ever invisioned the rage I'd feel at the world?
The rage at how unfair life and death can be?
The rage at forces that would take you from us all?
The rage at god for not allowing me to take your place?
Would I ever have conceived the ache that persists?
That I'd still drive lonely stretches of road conversing with your memory?
That I'd still see glimpses of your face in the crowd?
That I'd still be crushed when that glimpse crystalizes, and is not you?
Would I ever have believed that I've gone on this long?
That I could survive even one more day?
That I could defeat the temptation to pass through the barriers and join you?
That I could find comfort without numbness?
Would I ever have guessed that I'd still feel guilty?
Guilty for not being there when you left?
Guilty that it was you and not me, when you were so deserving of life, and I was not?
Guilty for not following you to the next world?
Would I ever have understood that I could feel love again?
And that it is real?
And that she would pull me from the storm?
And that she would return life to me?
Would I ever have accepted that I could be happy?
That I'd ever have a beautiful family?
That I'd wish I could introduce you to them as my dearest friend?
That my happiness would be tainted with guilt?
Twenty three years ago,
I swore I'd never let you go.
I have kept my promise.
